Humor quotes
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
--Steven Wright 
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
--Dave Barry
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.
--George Burns
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
--Steven Wright
I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
--Woody Allen
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
--Steven Wright
I am two with nature.
--Woody Allen
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
--Steven Wright
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
--Steven Wright
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
--Woody Allen
You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
--Groucho Marx
But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to kill more than I could eat.
--Raoul Duke
I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
--Bruce Baum
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
--Woody Allen
Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
--Steven Wright
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
--Woody Allen
Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends hang out.
--Zonker Harris
I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
--Fred Allen
I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... I just... to make a long story short..."
--Steven Wright
TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
--Jack Handey
I was the best I ever had.
--Woody Allen
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said, "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
--Rodney Dangerfield
I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
--Steven Wright
Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. I don't remember what it was.
--Steven Wright
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes.
It's about Russia.
--Woody Allen