Ethnic quotes
If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
--Anonymous 
Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
--Shirley Hazzard
There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessan. Seems one day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
--Anonymous
New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
--Anonymous
Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
--Anonymous
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
--Richard Lewis
Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
--Carolyn Jones
Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that continues to this day.
--Wayne Shannon
To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and stopping at red lights are both optional.
--From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
--Anonymous
You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
--Guindon
No matter what other nations may say about the United States, immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
--Anonymous
It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
--Kevin White
Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I", the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and Irish Political History".
--Anonymous
Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, wins few friends, Germans excepted.
--Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
--Anonymous
The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right turn on a red light.
--Woody Allen
The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
--Salvador de Madariaga
Visit[1] the beautiful Smoky Mountains!
[1] visit, v.:
Come for a week, spend too much money and pay lots of hidden taxes,
then leave. We'll be happy to see your money again next year.
You can save time by simply sending the money, if you're too busy.
--Anonymous
You know you're in a small town when...
You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
--Anonymous
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersey.
--Anonymous
The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
live with a British wife, and eat American food.
--Bungei Shunju
When you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself Americanized.
--Anonymous
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
--Anonymous
The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
--Mel Brooks