Quotes by Groucho Marx

I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it.
--Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
--Groucho Marx

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
--Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
--Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
--Groucho Marx

All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
--Groucho Marx

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
--Groucho Marx

You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
--Groucho Marx

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.
--Groucho Marx

I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.
--Groucho Marx

"From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
--Groucho Marx

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
--Groucho Marx

There is one way to find out if a man is honest--ask him. If he says "yes" you know he is crooked.
--Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
--Groucho Marx

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
--Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
--Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
--Groucho Marx

Why, this is so simple a five-year-old child could understand it! [aside] Go find me a five-year-old child; I can't make heads or tails of it.
--Groucho Marx

If you stew apples like cranberries, they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
--Groucho Marx

I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
--Groucho Marx

Now there's a man with an open mind... you can feel the breeze from here!
--Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too dark to read.
--Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
--Groucho Marx

It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
--Groucho Marx